Aries (April 19-May 13)
You are lucky in love, which is bad news for the old and infirm.
Taurus (May 14-16)
Keep shooting for the stars. That's a metaphor, genius. Put the weapon down.
Aries (May 17 and 18)
We forgot to include some people, so we tacked these couple of days onto Aries. Our bad.
Taurus (May 19-June 19)
We forgot to include billions of people, so we tacked this month onto Taurus. Our bad.
Gemini (June 20-July 20)
You are a cat person. Not that you like cats or anything; you think you have whiskers and a tail. Take your meds. Now.
Cancer (July 21-August 9)
All your thoughts and ideas are secretly broadcast to the rest of us on a worldwide network to be reviewed at our leisure, not unlike Tivo. The good news is, we would never, ever laugh at you directly. We save that for our weekly meetings.
If you were born on August 10, you have no zodiac sign. Sounds harsh, but it's true. Now go and find someone that can stand your ugly face.
Leo (August 11-September 15)
Keep doing the morning jog thing around the neighborhood, but sooner or later, you will have to start wearing clothes.
Virgo (September 16-October 30)
You can do anything you set your mind to. With nachos, I mean. Beyond that, forget it.
Libra (October 31-November 22)
Stomping your feet and holding your breath until you turn blue was an effective bargaining tool for a while, but seriously, you're like 37.
Scorpius (November 23-28)
As president of the "CHiPs" fan club, your life takes an exciting new turn as Erik Estrada calls you personally to make fun of you for being president of the "CHiPs" fan club.
Ophiuchus (November 29-December 17)
How's that new zodiac sign working out you? Because if you haven't been vaccinated by now, you are totally phiuched.
Sagittarius (December 18-January 17)
Your addiction to pizza borders on insane. Grab a salad and hit the gym before you spontaneously combust all over your friends.
Capricorn (January 18-February 15)
Your deep-seated fear of clowns is justified when several of them jump out of nowhere and tie you to a chair. What happens after that is unclear, but really, what can they do to you? They're just clowns.
Aquarius (February 16-March 11)
You are strong on intelligence, values and body odor. Especially body odor.
Pisces (March 12-April 18)
You think you're Al Pacino. Dumb guy coming through.