Thursday, April 28, 2011

Today's Birfday: Ann Margaret

She's 70 today. Viva la Ginge!

January Jones (Betty Draper) Is Pregnant

 Jones' rep confirmed today that the 'Mad Men' actress is expecting her first child. Jones had a recent break up with SNL's Jason Sudeikis, and has since been said to be "single" and in an interview from earlier this month, said she's content and happy to live alone. Good for her, I say.
Her rep's statement: "(Jones) is happy to announce that she is expecting her first child this fall."
Betty Hofstadt Draper Francis is awesome/stylish in everything she does, so as of now the paternity of the babeh friend is Top Secret!
I always see people write stuff online about how boring, bland, ice-queeny, bitchy etc. they think January Jones is/seems, and I disagree. Girlfriend just don't give a shit, and that's kind of awesome. Plus, I think she's a true beauty no matter the attitude so there. Also, she dated Ashton Kutcher for a few years before they were actors and were just mere hot Abercrombie & Fitch people; and he told her she'd "never make it as an actress".Wellwell, who's career sucks now Mr. NotFunnyDigitalCameraCommercialsMan?

Anywho, 'Mad Men' starts filming their next season this fall, so I wonder what that means for her character and the direction of the series. I once read a quote from Jones that said that the character of Betty and how physical she had to get with the children in some scenes, had discouraged her from wanting to be a mother. Hmm, maybe that means there's hope for me yet (errr...). I just hope the actress inherits some solid parenting skills from her character (No, I don't.. ok, maybe a few).

Well, congrats to this (as my friend Lexi would put it) Modern Woman, and I'm sure more details will come out with time.

That 'Gossip Girl' Person Is A Ginger Now

 Blake Lively... errr UnLively... Fuck, I'm aware how lame that sounds but EVERYTIME that bitch is on screen she ruins the quality of my entertainment because I'm too busy doing a delicate dance with the volume on the remote control because she's quiet as shit and MUMBLES!!!!! Always mumbling!!! I hate mumblers! It's amazing what some, umm, facial adjustments and some well-done booby sacks can do for a career. That, and some good, old-fashioned Nepotism.
Anywhoactuallycaresaboutthisperson, she has reached Level Arial on the Disney Princess Slut Meter. Next level, Princess Jasmine but of course.
Seriously though, I always love me some ginge on the right skin/eye tone. Pretty much, if you look good as a blonde, I think you'd be a hot red.
I continue to try to pull it off every few years, each time thinking that it will somehow be miraculously different; but I always end up looking something like THIS.
However, now that she's a redhead, she kind of looks like the eternal swan that is her older sister Robyn Lively aka Miss Teen Witch HERSELF(1989)! Blake will never be this hip. Now, 'Top That!'

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Smug Tiger: Lindsay Lohan Get's A Standing Ovation...?

Smug Tiger: Lindsay Lohan Get's A Standing Ovation...?: " Ok, so first of all, not only did Lilo's camp bump Kristin Chenoweth off of The Tonight Show with Leno (that will air tonight); Kristin i..."

Odds N' Ends

 Dan Rad is done and is drained of the wizard (... 'Harry Potter', I mean) (E! Online)

Gwyneth Paltrow's Grandmother or "Mutti" as her pretentious ass calls it, was awesome (and like the rest of us, don't deny it) hated her granddaughter. (Dlisted)

Coachella Fashion Summary in Pics (GoFugYourself)

The Onion is still really funny (The Daily What)

Karen from 'Mean Girls' is looking really skinny, if she loses her nice bust then she and I are done professionally (Popoholic)

Fergie needs to slow down on the injecting Tupperware into her face (Hollywood Tuna)

Not only does LeAnn Rimes' new weight loss give me nightmares about getting stabbed by her clavicle bone, but now she's becoming kind of a stalker of her new husband's Ex-wife. Why do women do that? (E! Online)

Keira Knightley's Mom Shows A Bitch How It's Done

 Last week Keira was a bridesmaid at her bro's wedding in Glasgow, and I'll admit that though I'm not her biggest fan, she looked perrty. However, she couldn't begin to compete with the fresh angel that was her mother, playwright Sharman Macdonald.

What grace and beauty accompanied by an age appropriate (and strangely nautical) dress? I had a very straight male friend, who would say that when a bitch looked beat (or silly), she looked "like a cigarette". This one's for him.

Today's Birfday: Kevin James (46)

Lindsay Lohan Get's A Standing Ovation...?

 Ok, so first of all, not only did Lilo's camp bump Kristin Chenoweth off of The Tonight Show with Leno (that will air tonight); Kristin is ya know, like an actual actress who actually had a project to promote, not a court date (who DOES that?!). But Blohan apparently got a standing O from the audience. For WHAT exactly?!
Also, may I ask what the fuck she's wearing? I have no problem with a good, hot jumpsuit (see Valerie Bertinelli below) but what in the drunk, Long Island, 40+ divorcee shit is she sporting?! It's not even a joke to suggest that she shares her closet (and stash) with her mother, Dina.
Anyway, here's a quote from a delusional Crackie if that's what you need today:

“I think that when, you know, being young and being in the position I was in, you don’t really take the time to appreciate what you have and it’s all kind of a whirlwind, and people make decisions for you. But I’m not a kid anymore -- I’m 24, I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I recognize that. I’m in the clear now, and as long as I stay focused, I can achieve what I want to achieve.

While I find it very inspiring that even this fucking mess thinks that she can dig herself out of the world of shit that she's created for herself; Most of us have our own shit castles to dig ourselves out of, but since when is a pending misdemeanor theft teamed up with a probation violation IN THE CLEAR?

This is why I never watched Leno; I feel like had it been Conan or Letterman, she would have been dick slapped with some reality (My apologies to family for that one). Also, please ignore the mental picture that accompanies the last statement.

I think we all know who bought the crowd a round of  Mai Tai's to get that standing ovation, and let's celebrate some raw delusional determination with a baby picture of Lindsay and her Mommy.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Easter Shout-Out: Sponsored By The Evil Easter Bunny and Nicolas Cage

Hope everyone's Easter was fun filled with family, friends, and drinking free champagne straight out of the bottle with a loved one (true story). Also, hope all you parents out there avoided a run in with the creep pictured above. Now, lets all unwind from all the holiday stress with the best scene from 'Con Air', that was earlier referenced in this post.

Today's Birfday: Hank Azaria

I was originally going to post a picture of his hotness in 'Along Came Polly' or even Moe Szyslak; however, this gem popped up in my goggle search and reminded me of how he was on 'Friends' and played Phoebe's soulmate person who left her ass to research science-y things in Minsk. Happy 47th!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Today's Hotness And Missed Birthday: Craig T. Nelson

Shamefully, on April 4th I did not have this freakish blog yet, and as a result I forgot a magical day. Coach! 'Poltergeist' Dad! Mr. Incredible!
Side note, did you know that once he was on a career hiatus, and his family was on food stamps and welfare? No wonder he's a money grubber now.

P.S. Check out this pic of him that popped up in google image search.

CRAIG T. NELSON, bitches.

Today's Tribute: 'Tourette's Guy'

*Warning: Offensive.
It all started yesterday when I said to my boyfriend, "Why don't you try walkin' a mile, IN MY SHIT!". After his initial shock accompanied with hesitation about why he was in a relationship with me, I explained to him about 'Tourette's Guy'.
This is a treasure from the college days and the sick friendships that blossomed there.

The Royal Wedding Just Got Smugger - No Booze

 Another reason why deep down I idolize the likes of Joy Turner, because I would be saying "Heeelllll to the NOOOOO" about the fact that all beer AND hard liquor has been banned from Prince William and Bland Middleton's (I'm sorry, I just don't see it) royal reception. What the hell?! I guess they're doing as fancy bitches do, and are only serving FINE champagne (I'm assuming not even red flavor!). Ugh. Here's a quote some source said about it:

“There won’t be any beer. “Let’s face it, it isn’t really an appropriate drink to be serving in the Queen’s presence at such an occasion. And while the younger royals enjoy a pint from time to time, neither Kate nor William is a big beer drinker so they decided to leave it off the menu. It was always their intention to give their guests a sophisticated experience and they have chosen the food and drink with this in mind.”

I agree with the awesome 70 year-old retired Nurse that I waited on at work this week; William is a bit of a snore compared to the Ginger Angel that dances in all of our hearts: (Captain) Prince Harry!!!!! However, I found it a bit off when she said Harry seemed "More Playful". What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is that thought even legal?
Anywho, does that mean that Harry will have to snort Cristal now?

Today's Birfday: Dedicated to Saundra Montijo

Valerie Bertinelli is 51 today, and eternally handy I guess. How wrong is it that I would wear that Jumpsuit without a second of hesitation?

Friday, April 22, 2011

Bitch Almost Got Owned: The Lindsay Lohan Edition

:::Sigh::: Ok. Well, as we know, everyone's favorite Justice Dodger Cady Herron (remember those days?) may have allegedly, possibly, probably snatched a boring ass necklace from an over-priced Venice Beach boutique in LA. Today hosted the preliminary hearing to decide whether she goes to trial or not. Apparently, girlfriend had an accomplice by the name of Pootie (not actual pictorial of said 'Pootie'), who distracted the store's employees while Lilo hunted for the most bland piece of shit to snatch. Also, one of the employees said that they'd caught her trying to steal earrings earlier in the SAME WEEK :::gasp,yeah right nobody's actually shocked by this:::
Well, the results are in and the judge reduced the charge to a misdemeanor and proclaimed that the case will go to trial, but also ruled that LiLo violated her probation. Even if she's found guilty and even though she fucked with her probation, she won't get a second of jail time.

I have two words to react to this: SAILOR PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today's Birfday: Jack Nicholson

Jacky is 74 (whoa!!!) today!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Today's Birfday: Tony Danza

That guy who only plays characters with his own first name (I mean no disrespect) is 60 today!

The New Old Spice Guy Has No Leg Meat (Double Meaning)

The Original Old Spice Guy that we all grew to know and love, is now developing a fancy career of Tyler Perry movies, and banging Kathy Griffin; so it was only a matter of time before before they had to replace a ho. While I think he's rather funny and dashing; umm, isn't he missing something? I guess that native girl at the end is really desperate to bone? (awwwwful, joke).

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The World We Live In: The Charlie Sheen Sex Doll Sold Out

Yes, this exists. Yes, it sold out almost immediately. Honestly, I can't imagine that it was women buying this thing, or gay men either. Nobody who genuinely appreciates a good piece would get their tingles anywhere near this. I'll say one thing for Charlie Sheen, you could put his name on a Baby Mop and some idiot would pay money for it.

Today's Birfday: Joey Lawrence AND...

The father of the term 'Smug Tiger' himself, Nick Boyk-Bro! It all started on a summer afternoon when he was given a framed portrait of a tiger (pictured above) as a prestigious gift (from Helping Hand), and he said that the tiger looked too "smug". Happy Birthday, Nick, and here's an embarrassing picture of you and my bro's from the 80's to celebrate with:

Yes, Dan (left) looked like Fred Savage (and somehow got stuck with the purple bandanna?); Yes, Nick's (middle) facial expression makes him look like he has a promising future as Hannibal Lecter's favorite apprentice; and yes, my brother Chris (right) had some impressive gums. Let's let Joey react for us:

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Travolta Helped Kirstie Alley With Her Dancing, Oh Ma Gahd!

As you know, Kirstie Alley is on 'Dancing with the Stars' this season, and though she has been plateauing a bit lately, surprised everyone with  her abilities to bust a move. Well, it turns out that Edna Turnblad herself may be responsible (kind of).
After having two rough weeks on the show, Kirstie called in friend/fellow peni--I mean Xenu lover/former co-star, John Travolta for some some assistance on the dance floor.
Though Ke$ha's blood brother has his fair share of dance experience ('Saturday Night Fever', 'Grease', even 'Pulp Fiction', etc.), Kirstie only scored a 23/30 (only one point higher than the previous week).

Though I secretly adore her, and am always impressed with her weight loss, I can't help but think that the only thing that could cheer Kirstie (and myself) up right now is some fettucini... FETTUCINI!!!!

Katherine Heigl Looks Like A Jackass

No, this is not a costume for a movie, this is what girlfriend actually wore to a lunch in Beverly Hills yesterday. The outfit is one brand of awful, but what is it with her and Hayden Panattiere fighting the hot with the same haircut our moms tried back in '92 when they felt "sassy"?

Well, I guess it's true what they say: Every little girl from the 90's wanted to grow up to look like Post-Pauly Shore Makeover-MILF Connie in the masterpiece 'Son In Law'.

You can't compete with that kind of glamor, I rest my case.

Cammy Diaz, Facebook, and Poop

A quote from Cameron Diaz in which she mentions she doesn't give a rat's dumper about her high school classmates was just released. Speaking of dumpers, I'll let Cammy explain:

"I have never been to a reunion. I just really don't feel the need to let anybody know what the hell I am doing because they can pretty much tell what I am doing all day. I really don't care. The people I want to know are there in my life already and if not I can do the Facebook thing that people do, where they upload their entire lives and say things like ‘I took a poop this morning'. I don't want to know that much about anybody."

See. I told you poop would tie in there somewhere. Though she sounds delightfully smug, I'll agree with her on one thing: Facebook has pretty much eliminated the curiosity that was responsible for most people going to high school reunions. In a lot of ways, it's eliminated the curiosity that was responsible for a lot of things, like wondering if a B List actress considers posting about her bowel movements on news feed. 

I wish I could lie and say that I don't know somebody who has discussed making a webpage strictly dedicated to their kaka, (and how it changes with different foods, etc.) and I already know what you're thinking, and yes, I'm pretty exclusive with who I choose to spend my time with. 

Today's Birfday: Tim Curry

Happy 65th!

Monday, April 18, 2011

This Is Really Happening

BACONALIA 2011! (aka the trick who will be taking my spot in my boyfriend's bed for the next month). Denny's will be celebrating good 'ol grease fried pig meat with an entire menu of bacon-y meals and even this concoction above.

I'm not really into bacon, but I checked the Denny's website and the first sentence I spotted was 'Bacon is Magical". Shit. They're bringing out the big guns. The 'M' word?! When you bust that one out I immediately think about riding a glorious unicorn through a glittery forest while sipping on a bacon and rum milkshake.

Ugh. I guess it's better to be in cute company than to have no company at all:

McLovin Gets Some

Another shot from Coachella, it's always fun to see life imitate art. Here's more stills of the wealthy playing make believe hipster (with the exception of Robert Downey Jr., he's always awesome; and his wardobe is actually subdued compared to the usual).

By the way, who's wearing out and distressing these rich people's jeans the other 52 weeks outta the year?

Shocker of the Day: Lea Michele Was A Bitch At Coachella

Remember that girl in Drama Club who would gush about your monologue, then when you turned around whispered about how fat your ass looked in those jeans the entire time (But that trick was suddenly sensitive enough to weep if you said you weren't really feeling Shakespeare)? Well, the nationally circulated Theater A-hole known as Lea Michele is back to unleashing her inexplicable rage on innocent parties again, and this time she brings the fury to a peaceful music festival.

Apparently, she was hanging out with 'Glee' castmates Chord Overstreet and Harry Shum Jr. in a VIP tent in Coachella, when a couple of young women joined the group. I'll let the witness of the incident explain the rest:

"Harry introduced himself to two girls as Jerry from San Luis Obispo and said he was unemployed. The girls played along even though they knew who he was. But when one girl jokingly called 'Jerry' over to sit with them later, Lea couldn't resist making fun of her... Lea started laughing and imitated her in a high-pitched voice. She was totally mocking her for no reason."

Well, at least she's not terrorizing children anymore. Remember when released the Kraken to that little girl from 'True Grit'? UPGRADE!

(P.S. Isn't this pre-Hollywood-ized picture of her entertaining?) Yeah, I know, pot calling the kettle bitchy.

Today's Birfday: Melissa Joan Hart

Clarissa is 35, and we're all getting old.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Champion Of The Day!

Here's the headline that accompanied this pic: Florida Woman Pulled Over Ignores Cops So She Can Complete Her Drive-Thru Oder At McDonalds (via NY Daily News).

Hell to the YES. It all started out as a routine traffic stop for Roberta Spen, 64, when a cop tried to pull her over for having a faulty break light. Girlfriend wasn't about to let that rain on her McDouble Party; she sped into the drive thru, and the police officer pulled in behind her and got out of his flashing patrol car. The cop ordered Span out of her car, but the Hamburglar's future wife ignored the officer and completed her lunch order, paid the bill, and left the parking lot with her meal.

After flicking on his police lights again, Police Officer Vassell pulled over Spen outside the McDonald's.

"She rolled her window down one inch and said she was not speeding and she would not roll her window down," Vassell reported. Spen also refused to hand over her driver's license and other car records - and then sped away. After this, other cops joined the chase, and were able to catch the burger bandit at a red light at which they had to to smash her driver's side window AND PULL THAT BITCH OUT. That's some extreme dedication to greasy ambrosia.
Spen, who had no criminal record, was charged with fleeing and eluding arrest, resisting arrest without violence and driving with defective equipment.

She was not under the influence of drugs or alcohol, authorities said (unless you shoot up Chicken Paste). It's unclear how much of her meal Roberta was able to eat before her arrest, but it's obvious who posted her bail:

Lady Gaga's Nasty Spill

So, last week Lady Gaga fell off her piano during a performance in Houston. Yes, it's slightly hilarious; Yes, I'm kind of impressed that she kept performing cause that shit looked painful.

I also wish she'd been played off by Keyboard Cat. This tumble reminds me a lot of one of my favorite youtubes from a while back, and I'm glad that this young woman below (who just wanted to strut her shit for the camera and show off her fancy footwear) finally got her tribute from the musical kitty.

Today's Birfday: Victoria Beckham aka The Artist Formally Known As Posh

She's 37 today, get it gurrl!

Caged Nic Was Released By The Dawg

Well, sort of. Today in news that's random and confusing, I had written earlier that Nic Cage made his $11K bail, well word has it that it was actually Dog the Bounty Hunter (wtf?) who posted it for him. Oh, it was also released that Nic's formal charges were domestic violence, disturbing the peace, and public drunkenness.
Anyway, The Dog said, "I am a truly dedicated fan of Mr. Cage and will not be granting any interviews about my client as I wish to respect his privacy. I performed my duties as a bail bondsman and not in connection with our show. This is what I do for a living. There are two sides of my job: I release my clients after they have been arrested; and pick them up if they don't show up in court. I do not believe the latter will be the case for Mr. Cage."

The fuck? Are these two friends? Cage is a "client"? Are those glorious blond locks of his real or a weave? I JUST HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!

Liz Taylor Was Richer Than You, And Maybe Beyonce and Jay Z

Word has it that at the time of her death, Elizabeth Taylor was worth more than $600 million. But shit, you don't have to look at her bank account to know that, just look at her face.That's an expression that says, "That's right, bitch" loud n clear.
Thanks to White Diamonds (that fancy perfume of her that first came out forever ago, suck on that JLo and every other ho who has a signature stank now), Liz's net worth is said to not be quite on par with that power couple above's (I just really liked that picture, so fabulously smug), but still pretty effing extreme.

About $150 million, is tied up in jewels and other gifts that Liz enjoyed receiving from movie studios, husbands, admirers and producers who hired her; compared to my 80 bucks from the same sources (cough, 40).
I had NO idea that when White Diamonds came out back in 1991, that shit went for $200 AN OUNCE. Holy. Shit. To be honest, my smug 5-year-old brain always thought it was a cheaper perfume ala Britney Spears scent sold at Kohls now.
During the 1990s, Liz reportedly earned about $2 per second, or about $63 million per year, thanks to all those business deals.
In unrelated news, in the 90's, I earned about $2 per week... ok, month.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Mark Ruffal-Bro Almost Quit This Bitch

Anyone who knows me well, is aware of my strange obsession with Mark Ruffalo. Not that there's anything wrong with it, just some young people may see it as an odd choice. I just think he's awesome; great actor, Wisconsin native, stroke survivor, long-suffering struggling actor, wearer of magical coats (see above) etc. He's just a wonderful bundle of inspiration.
Anyway, in this month's Details magazine, he admits that he had recently had it with the Hollywood scene, went as far as firing his whole team and moving to New York, before regaining his love for acting with his most recent hit, the Oscar buzzed 'The Kids Are Alright' (aka that movie that looks really good, but I've been slightly too lazy to rent it yet). Anyway, here's what he said about the matter:

“I’d had it with L.A., and I really had it with the business side of acting, the machinery of it all. You’re an artist, but then all of a sudden you’re a product at the same time, and there’s this company that’s sprung up around you. I got depressed. I was losing my love for it. So I said, ‘I’m done.’ I fired everybody and moved my family out here (Callicoon, NY),” Ruffalo told Details, “I had to make a radical move. ‘The Kids Are Alright’ was my swan song. I didn’t know what I was doing next.”

Now he's signed onto a bunch of upcoming films (Including the newest of the 'Hulk' movies), and his retirement seems to be way more lucrative than most actor's careers. But you can't help but love 'em, I mean look at how he's working that coat! Miss Jay eat your heart out. 
Here's the full interview if that's what you need today.

Kate From 'LOST' Is Prego

Actress Evangeline Lilly is apparently super pregnant with a baby friend; like full fledged baby-bump pregnant. And no, Dr. Jack Shepherd is not the father, I just thought this picture was gloriously creepy.
Lilly said she wanted to fly under the radar once the series ended, and I'm assuming she succeeded since this news was just released.

Now when I first heard this, I was super excited that Kate and Charlie were going to have their own little Smoke Monster (she dated co-star Dominic Monaghan for 5 years while working on the show), but sadly for 'LOST' nerds, this was not the case. However, the little fetus can be traced back to the show! The father, a gent named Norman Kali, met Evangeline while working as a Production Assistant on the series.

I'm super bummed that this show is over. Not so much because I miss watching it, but that means there's a ZERO chance of ever getting a PA gig on it. They get all the action and adventure! Remember when Desmond got in trouble for motorboating one?!

Well, at any rate, Congrats to Evangeline, Norman, and a baby who I am lame enough to hope they name Aaron.

Shocker of the Day: Kim Kardashian Wears Spanx! :::Gasp:::

I know we're all spilling our pre-supper cocktails and putting our hands on our chests while saying, "Goodness, gracious, Oh my!" (in a refined Southern accent, of course).

Yeah, I'm not either (about the reaction part, not the cocktail). Let's face facts, with curves comes responsibility: The responsibility of good undergarments. While I'm all about keeping your shit in check (especially in a tad undersized red number), you better make sure your armor isn't bordering Cycling-Shorts. Or maybe she's onto something??

HAWT. Ok, I can't with this either.

Coachella Brings Out The Best (Scraped From The Bottom Of The CrackPipe)

That California music festival that hip people go to is happening right now, and Lindsay Lohan was there looking as fresh as a back-alley daisy. Judging from this paparazzi shot of her at the festival (looking as innocent and sober as a newborn crackie), she's downgraded from stealing her fashion accessories from Venice Beach boutiques, to jacking 1940's gangsters. Bold move.
Say something nice... Her nails look ok? Ugh, I tried. I can't get past those lips. THOSE LIPS!
Atleast she gave it a shot, it's not easy to look hot when you're competing with this:

Yes, Danny DeVito was there; showing a trick how it's REALLY done.

There Are No Words: Lady Gaga's 'Born This Way' Album Cover

Ok, maybe one: Hahahahahahaha

Nic Cage Got His Crazy Ass Arrested

Randy from Valley Girl found himself in the clink in New Orleans for allegedly pushing his wife in an argument, former waitress (and alleged Gold-Digging Champion) Alice Kim (of whom he is 20 years her senior).
According to TMZ, Cage essentially dared the police to arrest him after they were just going to let him go with a warning. Anyone that follows Nic (and his mad eyebrow game) won't be surprised to hear that according to sources, he was "very drunk" on the streets of New Orleans.

Is John Malkovich busy? I bet if Cyrus the Virus was there, none of this shit would have gone down; Cage seems like one of those overly method actors that would seriously surrender anything for a stuffed bunny. Case and Point:

Seriously though, every Drunk Ho knows that you never dare someone to arrest your inebriated ass. Apparently he screamed at the police, "Why don't you just arrest me?". Wrong move. Everyone knows you smile, wink, and finish your forty on the other end of the block. Pffft, Amatuer.

Newest update says that he just paid $11,000 bail; so as of now, all bunny's will be protected for Easter.

Oh well, atleast we'll always have THIS: